i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
