just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
