Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
