I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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