well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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