Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
