atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize