Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
