I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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