I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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