Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
