I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
