JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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