I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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