The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
