I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
