Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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