Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
