My underwear smells like fireworks.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
