so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
