I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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