there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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