Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
