my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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