you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
