My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
