I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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