I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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