My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
