i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
