I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
