Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize