Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Randomize
