I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
