my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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