Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize