dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
