I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
