No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
