im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
