and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
