so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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