he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
