Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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