My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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