saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
