dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
