just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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