I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
