Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
