dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
