i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
