The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
