By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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