I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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