I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
