I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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