My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
