You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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