five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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