Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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