I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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