Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize