saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
