I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
