it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
