im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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