Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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