Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
