She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
