Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
