allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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