I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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