i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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